


today.

by heycb97



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: ChanJeong, Fluff, M/M, Not Beta Read, bang chan x yang jeongin, idk man, im sorry agkshd, jeongchan, kinda angst?, lol this is a mess, wrote this on the spur of the moment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:48:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28750938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heycb97/pseuds/heycb97
Summary: Yang Jeongin is clinging to every bit of his yesterdays.Bang Chan wants nothing but to leave his tomorrows.
Relationships: Bang Chan & Yang Jeongin | I.N, Bang Chan/Yang Jeongin | I.N
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	1. intro.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. This is a fanfiction from the author's imagination. Any resemblance of the theme of the storyline is purely coincidental. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> Hello! This is the first chaptered fanfiction that I wrote and was originally posted on wattpad (heycb97) and I wanted to put this here. It was divided into 15 short chapters but I'll be posting this here in one go.
> 
> It was on the spur of the moment so I'm kinda unsatisfied with the way it turned out. Nevertheless, I really wanted to share this. I hope you'll have fun reading it!
> 
> Enjoy and don't forget to leave comments, reactions or suggestions. I love reading them <3

Jeongin's fingers glided over the rough surface of the unfamiliar notebook previously situated on his bedside table, a gesture that the male found so familiar but not quite. His glossy and red eyes flew across the lines, as he tries to absorb and make sense of every bit of information presented to him. It was written by someone he thought he knew all too well. But now, he is second-guessing that.

 _Well, this has been happening for quite a while now, huh?_ He thought.

The last thing he would want to spend his morning is to drown himself with self-pity, but life is cruel and that you cannot always have what you want, Jeongin figured.

Mornings, for Jeongin, should be the smell of the freshly baked bread wafting from the bakery across the street, the cup of brewed coffee paired with his go-to toast; a morning set right and filled with hope and not the rough surface of sheets of paper, messy scribbles, hot tears streaming down his face and downright confusion.

For some, worrying about mornings sound like something trivial; something that a normal person would pay no heed as they immerse themselves from the morning rush: be it to school, to work, or to any agenda they have for the day. Enjoying mornings is something that people usually takes for granted. It is a luxury for some, and there are people who choose to sleep it off.

But to Jeongin, he is more than ready to trade the world just to have a normal morning.

He used to believe that life is actually fair and how we live every second of it is solely based on the choices we made for ourselves. Priding himself as free-spirited, Jeongin thought that he could do things the way he wants to and face everything head-on.

It's funny how everything could change overnight.

Jeongin wants to change things. Hoping that maybe, just maybe, miracles are true and he will get to experience one. Like magic; a kind that would help in reversing his condition.

But there are things in life that we cannot do anything but accept.

Maybe the universe will soon align for him, he just has to wait.

_But how long?_

Jeongin shakes his head, an attempt to shake the hopeful thoughts off. Indeed, hope is a factor that would help him get-by, but also the same facet that could break even the strongest wall he built around himself. His shaky hands hurriedly reaching for his phone and dialling the only person he knew he could fully trust.

_Kim Seungmin._

He can't remember his life without Seungmin. If there is someone Jeongin would consider as his constant, it would be the mentioned. Growing up, Seungmin has been a huge part of his life ㅡ having to spend their life from diapers to school days up until they graduated. Seungmin was there. And even then, working at the same place made things easier for Jeongin, whose ability not trust people is over the roof. Especially with his condition.

Seungmin, for Jeongin, is some sort of safety net. Not in a sense that the elder has to be the younger's emotional punching bag; but Seungmin is the closest to refuge from the brutality of the outside world.

"Hey, Jeongin," Seungmin greeted from the other line, knowing all too well what the fuss is all about. But he didn't mind. After all, he swore to himself to protect Jeongin from anything, even the mosquito bite.

"Hyung... is this true?" Jeongin, even knowing the answer to his question, asked. He finds comfort at the thought of having someone tell him that everything is indeed true; that he was not dreaming. Knowing it yourself is one thing, but having someone you trust with your whole life confirm it is another. That way, he can fully accept it.

Seungmin emitted a long, deep breath, "Yeah, bubby. It has been ten months now."

"Oh..." Jeongin breathed out a shaky sigh, biting the inside of his cheeks to drown the sobs threatening to fall from his lips.

"We still work at the same café with Felix. Come around before eight and we can talk about it, 'kay? You still have ample time to prepare. Breakfast is on me. I promised you a slice of cake and your favourite Iced Americano yesterday." Seungmin answered softly in an attempt to comfort the younger. But it doesn't seem to work for Jeongin.

"Okay, Hyung. Thank you and I'll see you in a bit."

"See you, Innie."

Jeongin was met with complete silence once he heard the last beep indicating that the call has come to an end. He lets himself sink back into the comfort of his bed, folding his legs close to his chest and hugging them with his lanky arms as if it would provide the comfort he currently needs. It does help, but not fully easing the pain. With his phone now tossed aside, he let the sobs he has been trying to hold back spill from his chapped lips, continuously.

He has so many questions but none of them seems to matter at the moment, except for one: _why me?_ And no matter how hard he tries to rack his brain for any possible answer, he can't seem to find any.

It must be after a good sixty minutes when Jeongin found himself walking towards the familiar café, situated three blocks away from his apartment. It took him a while to calm down before picking himself up and getting ready for the day. Thankfully, his eyes are not that puffy from all the crying he did but he still put on his thin and round glasses while sporting his white shirt under his pastel blue cardigan, paired with his washed-out jeans and white sneakers.

It took him less than ten minutes to reach his destination. Levanter Café. And once he entered, he was greeted with the booming laughter of his other friend, Lee Felix; along with Seungmin who is busy wiping the counter.

ㅡ

"Ah, Lemon Raspberry Cheesecake will remain superior!" Jeongin hummed in delight, a slice of the half-eaten cake beautifully set atop the cream-coloured ceramic plate. The commotion from the morning long-forgotten as he found himself surrounded with familiarity in the form of his two friends. "Even better if paired with my favourite drink, Iced Americano!"

"I beg to differ! Oreo Cheesecake is!" Felix, who is sat across the younger male, argued; a cup of iced chocolate in hand. They are currently seated at one of the benches near the counter, enjoying every second of their morning before the café opens, devouring the cake Seungmin promised.

"Yah! Nothing beats the classic, you know?" Seungmin chimed in, busying himself with doing the last minute checking before the clock strikes 8 o'clock, signalling the start of their day. "And fifteen minutes before we open! You better finish your breakfast quick!" Seungmin added sternly to which the other two male answered with a brief nod.

Jeongin found himself smiling. He is happy. Hell, happy is an understatement. This is one of the moments where he truly felt normal. For others, wanting to be normal would sound ridiculous as people these days want nothing more than to be unique, to be someone who would not be easily forgotten.

But for Jeongin, he wants nothing but to remember. Remember every second of his minutes, every minute of his hours, every hour of his days and every day of his weeks, so on. To grasp, to hold, to seize every bit of normalcy he could get.

Because to be normal is to be human.

And to be human is to belong.

Something that Jeongin _desperately_ yearns for.

* * *

Chan twirled his black mechanical pencil in between his fingers, eyes glued on the notebook set on his table. He found himself writing down words, only to mindlessly drag the tip of the lead over the what should be the lyrics, successfully and messily crossing out the words he thought would fit in along the lines of the song he has been trying to create.

Chan is a producer.

_A struggling one._

He sighed deeply, rubbing the pad of his fingers over the crease forming on his forehead as he stares intently at the sheet of paper in front of him. If looks could actually burn, the paper would be ashes now. And as if the mere act of drilling holes would make any difference. Admittedly, Chan was in the mood to create something but he found himself falling short to whatever standard he has set upon himself. And it is frustrating him, so much that it left him unable to come up with something that he could proudly call his.

His attempts lasted for a couple of minutes, wringing every drop of creative juices in his brain, but found none.

Another unsuccessful day.

knew just what he needs to keep him going. Like a normal person, he needs inspiration. Something that has been lacking in his life for quite some time now. And no, it does not entirely have to be in the form of another person; neither a lover nor a friend, or even a family member. Hell, the last thing Chan would even want to have is a lover. He's got no time for that, he believes. Friends? He has enough of them. Family? They live far away but they always make sure to keep in contact.

Chan is, beyond a doubt, someone that is stable, not taking into account his mental health, of course. High-paying job surrounded by people he is friends with. Comfortable life. High-end place. Well-respected in his field. He cannot exactly pinpoint what is lacking.

Or maybe it's the fact that there are some things he has to address but chose not to. 

With another fierce glare at the poor sheet of paper, Chan found himself dropping the pencil on top before slumping back on his office chair. Thankfully, it is padded enough to keep him comfortable especially during the long hours he has to work.

"Must be hungry," he mumbled to himself while placing a hand over his flat stomach and ever so gently rubbing it over the fabric of his shirt. That's the only plausible explanation he can come up with, considering that the last meal he had was the instant ramen with an egg from last night – and it is midday now.

He grabbed his phone from the back pocket of his jeans and before he knows it, the messaging application he frequently uses to contact his two friends is already on display on his screen. His fingers were about to fly across the keyboard to type a quick message to his friends when he heard a soft knock on the door of his dimly-lit studio, followed by a familiar voice.

"Hyung, we're going to grab some lunch at Levanter Café across the street. Wanna come along?" A short male with a piercing gaze asked, making his way inside the room to settle on the leather couch situated at the corner. _Seo Changbin_. The said male was followed with another guy, puffed cheeks and adorable heart-shaped smile. _Han Jisung_.

"Yeah, Hyung. That place where Changbin's boyfriend is working at." Jisung teased, mindlessly throwing himself next to Changbin.

"Hey! He's not my boyfriend. We're just... casually talking." Changbin countered as he lightly nudges the other's side.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever you say. You guys literally undress each other through your eyes whenever we drop by." Jisung taunted before turning to look at the oldest in the room. "Oh, right. You haven't met him, Hyung. He's Australian too!"

Chan nodded in acknowledgement and cleared his throat before the two falls into a round of bickering over things that, quite frankly, don't make sense to him. "Let's just go. I'm famished."

ㅡ

Chan was welcomed with the aroma of the freshly brewed coffee the moment he set a foot inside the shop, heightening the hunger he successfully pushed at the back of his mind from hours ago. It was the perfect mixture of bitterness and comfort. Thankfully, it wasn't as packed as he expected it to be, considering the location of it being surrounded by a couple of corporate buildings around.

Setting his useless thoughts aside, he glued his eyes at the menu to find something of his taste and once he does, he lets his eyes wander around the rather cosy shop. He is not a big fan of cafes, but he does remember coming around when he needs a quick decaffeinated fix. Even then, his trip to this certain place was not as frequent as Changbin or Jisung. Maybe once or twice a month, that is.

He threw another run over at the interior of the café, appreciating the modern industrial design adorned with the sleek black and white palette. His favourite colours. His eyes accidentally landing on a small figure at the corner of the café, taking advantage of the hours and quietly having his quick lunch. He's wearing the same apron as the two people situated behind the counter, whom he learned from Changbin are named Seungmin and Felix.

"Hyung? What are you getting? Earth to Chan Hyung!" Jisung waved his hands in front of the dazed male, his eyes briefly following the older's line of sight: _Jeongin_. A slight smirk formed on the Jisung's lips before nudging Chan's side. "You know, staring is quite creepy, Hyung."

A tinge of pink successfully made its way across Chan's cheeks as he turns to look at the squirrel-looking male next to him, his eyes turning wide at the sudden realization. "Please don't tell me I've been doing that," Chan said, horrified.

"You're doing the exact thing, Hyung." Jisung grinned teasingly as he ever so lightly pokes the elder's muscly arm. "His name is Jeongin, by the way. Must be your type, huh?"

"He is not my type!"

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say. You're literally gawking at him, but that's okay, it has been years since you found someone attractive anyway." Jisung shrugged, sticking out his tongue at the older.

"Stop it! He's not my type!" Chan half-whispered, followed by a soft hiss before walking off to the counter where he found Changbin excessively flirting with a freckled male.


	2. verse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. This is a fanfiction from the author's imagination. Any resemblance of the theme of the storyline is purely coincidental. No copyright infringement is intended.

_A total lie._

What Chan told Jisung was a total lie, the former figure. As the older found himself standing at the entrance of Levanter Café for the next three consecutive days. Today is the fourth one. He doesn't know either. After all, the chicken salad he got from the previous days wasn't that exceptional compared to what he had from a five-star restaurant. But then again, it was the most decent thing he had in a while after relying on ramen for the past week, and it only cost a quarter of the price from the expensive places he frequented to.

"Yeah, I like it here because they only use organic ingredients," Chan mumbled, a futile attempt to convince himself that he is back for the food and not for a certain male who managed to pique his interest. "I'm here for the healthy food, hah."

Chan completely pushed back the idea of him crushing on the adorable crew, seeing how their exchange was only when he is ordering his foods. An interaction that doesn't last for more than ten minutes. It was quite frustrating, to say the least. He refuses to admit to himself that he is attracted to the younger, but at the same time, he can't help but want to strike even the smallest conversation with him. Just anything beyond the simple greeting, taking of orders and then thanking him.

And today, Chan is pretty determined to change that.

The sound of the bell chiming made Jeongin halt from wiping the countertop, immediately washing his hands before situating himself behind the counter. A male clad in his all-black outfit walked in, and upon closer inspection, Jeongin concluded that this person must have not been sleeping for days. _'The bags under his eyes sums it up.'_

Albeit intimidated, Jeongin greeted the male with his usual cheerful smile, just like how he did with the previous customers.

"Welcome to Levanter Café! What can I get you?" Jeongin, greeted with his usual polite smile as he patiently waits for the male to choose.

Chan, much like his previous visits, was welcomed with the same aroma when he stepped inside the shop. The warm feeling spreading all over his tired body and bringing comfort to his chest. Weird. The last time he felt that way was when his mom visited him for his birthday, which was from last year.

He glanced at the expecting male behind the counter, the adorable smile not faltering as he stares up at Chan. The older returned a sheepish smile before mumbling, "For to-go. I'd like to have the Iced Green Tea Matcha Latte and uh..." Chan paused, letting his eyes scan the pastry display next to the counter with a troubled expression. "Do you reckon I should get the Lemon Raspberry Cheesecake or the Tiramisu one?"

Jeongin emitted a giggle, earning a confused look from the older. _So, that's what troubles him? Adorable._ Jeongin thought.

"This is a personal preference but the Lemon Raspberry one is the best." Jeongin beamed, and Chan did not miss the way the younger's eyes lit up. Twinkling, even. As if he took all the stars in the sky and placed them into his fox-like eyes.

Chan threw a sceptical look, the gesture being mischievous. And Jeongin fell into his trap as the younger hurriedly added, "I can vouch! If it is not good then your next drink is on me!"

"How about a dinner with me instead?" Chan countered, momentarily freezing on his spot once he realized what he just said. Either his mouth developed a new brain or it is working hard to embarrass him. He settled for the latter because it would be weird for his mouth to develop a brain.

He was about to take his words back when Jeongin answered with another round of giggles which sounds a lot like music to Chan's ears. "Deal. How does 7 pm tonight sounds?"

"Great. I'll meet you here, then." Chan didn't know where he got the sudden confidence from, but at the same time, he doesn't seem to mind. In fact, he feels oddly elated at the exchange.

_Holy. Fuck._

_Finally._

He only wished for a short conversation but he got more than that. And he is not complaining. After all, who is he to protest and deny what the universe is giving him. He asked for a chance to get closer to the male, to feed the strong desire of learning bubbling up inside him and satisfy his curiosity. And he is not going to let this chance pass up.

Their moment was cut short when Felix walked closer at the two. The freckled male's smile widening at the sight of Chan, his Changbin's friend. "Chan Hyung, hello!" Felix greeted before scanning the place to look for a certain male, a small pout forming on his lips once he realized that the older came alone.

"Looking for Changbin?" Chan teased. He met Felix when Chan grabbed lunch with Changbin and Jisung. Since then, Felix and Chan became friends after learning that both shared a common ground: _Australia._

"Well... you get the idea." Felix emitted a sheepish laugh while scratching his nape. "But then again, it's too early for him so he's probably on his way to the company or still sleeping," Felix dismissively waved his hand before turning to look at Jeongin who is now busy fixing the food Chan ordered.

Once Jeongin was done, he placed the small box housing the cake along with the cup of drink on a tray before walking back to his previous station, Felix and Chan still chatting.

"By the way, Chan Hyung. This is Jeongin, he is a year younger than me." Felix motioned for the youngest among the three while Jeongin carefully set the tray atop the counter and pushing it closer to Chan.

"It's nice to meet you, Chan. I'm Jeongin." Jeongin flashed his dimpled smile while holding out his right hand, to which Chan firmly shakes.

"It's nice to meet you too, Jeongin," Chan replied, mirroring the dimpled smile with his own. He felt his phone beeped from his hand, a text message from the management flashing on his screen, something about them needing Chan to send some files. Chan slowly turned to look at the two males in front of him, a small smile gracing his lips, "I'll talk to you guys later, and I'll see you tonight, Jeongin?"

Felix slowly turns to Jeongin with an inquisitive look once Chan was gone, the former's lips forming into a teasing smirk. "So... you made plans with Chan Hyung?"

"I-it wasn't like that!" Jeongin stammered, his cheeks turning beet-red as he let out a soft huff in feign annoyance.

"Who's seeing who tonight again?" Felix teased, throwing an arm around the slightly taller male and pulling him into a headlock. "And he asked you out even before knowing your name? Damn, just how strong the Jeongin effect is."

"I'm only meeting him if he thinks Lemon Raspberry is bad! That's it!" Jeongin whined as he pried himself away from Felix's grasp and glared at him once he successfully did. "And if he doesn't think it's bad, which I believe so, then there's no dinner happening!"

"Jeongin, are you dumb? He's probably using that as a reason to take you out and get to know you. And then the next thing we'll know, you guys are already datingㅡ" Felix felt a hand over his mouth even before he could finish his sentence.

"Don't feed my brain with unnecessary thoughts, Lix. You know I can't do that. I just met him. Besides, at the end of the day, it's impossible." Jeongin mumbled exasperatedly before removing his hand from Felix's mouth.

For once, Jeongin almost forgot about his situation. He almost felt... normal. A touch of normalcy has been something he is dying to experience. But now, he is thinking otherwise: it scared him, to the point where it's slowly turning him to a coward he promised himself not to be. 

"Sorry, Innie," Felix mumbled, gently pulling the latter in his tight embrace.

"It's fine. Just cut it, okay? We'll go out if he thinks the cake is bad. And even if he does ask me to grab dinner, nothing will happen after that." Jeongin sighed, his face finding refuge into Felix's shoulder as he returns the warm hug. Even then, Jeongin can't help the sinking feeling at the pit of his stomach, igniting the desperation inside him.

"Will you tell him?" Felix slightly pulled back to look at Jeongin. His face fell at the sight of the younger's sullen expression.

"Yeah, I have to. Considering the fact that he's friends with your boyfriend."

"How I wish Changbin is actually my boyfriend." Felix snorted. 

* * *

"Seungmin Hyung, can you please remind me tomorrow that I need to bake cookies for Hyunjin Hyung?" Jeongin mumbled, not taking his eyes off from his phone. 

His shift has ended hours ago and is now being covered by Minho, a part-timer who works until the closing. So, he decided to remain at the shop, along with Seungmin who is currently waiting for his boyfriend to finish his class so that they could go home together. Felix was long gone, already in the comforts of his home and is probably busy playing video games.

Jeongin, being the sloth that he is, is too lazy to walk back and forth from the café to his apartment, all for a good twenty minutes tops. He is set to meet Chan in thirty minutes and, according to Jeongin's own words, _he is being helpful to the Earth by conserving energy, his own energy._ Which doesn't make sense to Seungmin.

"You better be careful and text me once you get home, okay?" Seungmin reminded Jeongin for the nth time that day after learning from Felix that his best friend was asked for dinner.

"That's the seventh one this day!" Jeongin grumbled, crossing his arms childishly over his chest.

"Seventh one what?" Seungmin tilted his head in sheer confusion, his eyes turning into slits as he tries to scare the younger, but ends up looking like an adorable puppy instead.

"You reminding me to text you! Seungmin Hyung, it's the same day so I'm sure I won't forget!"

"I'm just saying! You know what..." Seungmin quickly retrieved his phone from his bag before holding his palm out in front of Jeongin. "Give me your phone, I need Chan Hyung's number."

"Hyung, the thing is... I don't have it." Jeongin mumbled sheepishly, frantically taking Seungmin's hand in his warm ones. "I promise I'll text you once I get home. I'll even call you to tell you everything!"

"Is that a promise?"

"I promise!" Jeongin nodded his head, trying his best to convince the older. Seungmin can't do anything but sigh in defeat.

ㅡ

_The clock ticked at 7 pm._

Jeongin now moved to the seat where he has a clear view of the outside. Seungmin already went home fifteen minutes ago. Of course, with another reminder for Jeongin to text and call him once he is home, to which Jeongin responded with an enthusiastic nod before bidding his best friend a good night and take care on your way home.

_Fifteen minutes._

Fifteen minutes had passed and there is no man clad in his all-black attire is to be seen, no Chan. But Jeongin tried to remain positive. After all, fifteen minutes is the considered grace period even back when he is in college.

But then, _fifteen minutes became thirty._

By then, Jeongin is tempted to contact Felix to ask Changbin for Chan's number. But he decided against it, knowing that he will end up worrying Felix when the mentioned should be resting up and enjoying his games.

Thirty minutes turned into an hour.

Jeongin prides himself as someone patient. In fact, Jeongin once waited for Seungmin for three hours, only to have the elder of the two take rain check because he was sick. And having to wait for an hour is quite bearable for him. However, Jeongin is torn between going home and waiting for a few more. It sounds quite foolish, he does know. But deep down, there is a tugging feeling inside him; a small spark telling him that Chan is coming, he just has to wait.

_But how long?_

How long will he keep waiting? Keep waiting for the male who asked him for dinner, keep waiting for the small spark of hope inside him to die down, keep waiting for some miracle to happen in his life.

"Innie, are you waiting for someone? Your shift ended three hours ago," Minho, who is currently wiping the table next to Jeongin, asked.

"Well..." Jeongin puffed his cheeks in slight annoyance. He felt troubled about so many things, one of them is confiding in Minho. He does know the older, but his anxious brain is on fire and he is scared that the mentioned would make fun of him. _I have nothing to lose, anyway. I'll forget about this after._ Jeongin thought as he decides to go for it.

"Well?" Minho questioned, throwing a glance at the counter to see if there is a customer and fortunately found none.

Jeongin cleared his throat, his fingers toying at the hem of his shirt ㅡ a habit he developed when he is nervous. "Someone asked me to grab dinner together but it has been an hour. And I do not have any means to contact him so... should I just go home or should I keep waiting?"

"Honestly, Innie. You should go home." Minho sighed, taking the seat across Jeongin before he continued. "It has been an hour. No one should keep someone waiting that long without informing them beforehand. And you have been working all day, you must be tired. You should go home and rest up instead."

"I was stood up, right?" Jeongin queried, a hint of sadness mixed with confusion can be traced in his voice. Minho didn't answer for obvious reasons. He adores the younger and seeing hurt and disappointment written all over Jeongin's usually bright face pains him just as much. It's as if the sun decided to shine anywhere but him. And when Jeongin received no answer from Minho, he continued, "I guess I was really stood up."

"Yeah, you just got stood up." Minho.

 _Straightforward._ If there's one thing Jeongin extremely admire about Minho, it is the elder's ability to say what he wants without beating around the bush. He is honest without being brutal. His words are usually sharp, like knives. And if you are not strong enough, you can get yourself killed.

At this point, Jeongin was close to tears but he managed to hide it behind the indifferent chuckle he let out. He doesn't even know Chan that well, but he felt oddly hurt. He is sure that it was not because of Chan himself, but because of what he did. Jeongin had never felt so normal in months now, or maybe he did, he just can't remember. And Chan. Chan gave Jeongin the hope he has been craving for and took it away, along with his chance to taste every bit of normalcy he could, all in just a day.

_The universe must really hate me, huh? Jeongin thought._

The younger didn't realize the few teardrops that managed to escape his eyes, only finding out when he felt a calloused pad of thumb grazing over his rosy cheek and wiping it away. He decided to shift his focus on Minho. And despite his blurry eyes, he was able to make out the small smile etched on the elder's lips; all without missing the worried expression evident in his eyes. As much as he finds the whole situation upsetting, he felt more than relieved to have Minho to comfort him.

"You know what, how about I close the shop early and we grab dinner together? It's on me. We can get ice cream after too." Minho suggested, the smile on his face only growing as he waits for the younger's response.

"Are you sure? Won't you get in trouble for doing that?" Jeongin pouted, his eyes frantically looking around the shop to find the last two customers who are about to leave as well.

"Seungmin owns the shop and you're his best friend. I'm sure he'll understand."

"Correction, Seungmin's mom owns the shop."

"Yeah, it's the same and you're straying from my point. So, do you want to or not?"

"Fine, I'll help you clean up then we can go. But you have to inform Seungmin!" Jeongin sighed in defeat before moving towards the staff room to retrieve the cleaning materials they need.

 _It's okay._ Jeongin thought in an attempt to console himself. _You can just start with a clean slate tomorrow. You can forget about him, about everything that happened._


	3. pre-chorus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. This is a fanfiction from the author's imagination. Any resemblance of the theme of the storyline is purely coincidental. No copyright infringement is intended.

"Welcome to Levanter Café! What can I get you?" Jeongin greeted the customer with his usual bright smile. The event from yesterday long forgotten as if it never happened at all. Truth to be told, he felt quite ecstatic, as if nothing could ruin his day that sets off on the right foot. After all, he received another free slice of cake from Seungmin for his breakfast.

The male in front of Jeongin clears his throat, lips pursing in thought and anxiously glancing at the younger behind the counter. Mustering up his courage, he breathed out a troubled sigh before mumbling, "Look, Jeongin. I'm sorry about last night. I didn't mean toㅡ"

Jeongin tipped his head to the side, eyebrows furrowing in sheer confusion as he tries to come up with a response but found himself uttering the only words he found fitting in the current situation. "I'm sorry, but who are you?"

"Jeongin, it's Chan. I get that you're upset but I have my reasons. Please hear me out first?"

"Sir, I think you got the wrong person. I don't know you at all."

"What?" To say that Chan is bewildered is an understatement. Does Jeongin have to pretend he doesn't know the male just because he stood him up last night? That, to Chan, sounds like downright petty. But then, he can't shake off the unsettling feeling bubbling inside him, telling him that there is something more to it. He took another glance at Jeongin who mirrored the same expression painted on his face: genuinely confused. Either the younger is a good actor or...? Chan can't find any plausible explanation as to why Jeongin is acting the way he is because the things running in his mind sounds so ridiculous.

Luckily, Felix appeared behind the kitchen curtain and saw the commotion. Of course, he already heard what happened from Seungmin when the latter woke him up from his slumber last night. Realizing what's going on, he decided to step in.

"Hey, Chan Hyung! You're here!" Felix greeted with an edge to his voice that Chan didn't fail to miss. The eldest of the three throwing the freckled boy with a slight nod in acknowledgement.

"Lixie Hyung, you know him?" Jeongin scooted closer to Felix, his voice was small and genuinely puzzled.

"Innie, why don't you take the remaining cakes from the kitchen and put them on display? I'll take care of the register until you're done." Felix flashed the younger with a reassuring smile and watched him disappear behind the kitchen curtain before turning to face the male clad in his all-black outfit standing in front of him, "Chan Hyung, it's complicated."

ㅡ

_You gotta be kidding me._

Chan found himself seated in one of the booths at the corner of the café, his spot giving him a perfect view of the outside as well as the counter where Jeongin is stationed. His phone tightly clutched between his fingers as he mindlessly scrolls through the fifth article he found from the internet. The cup of iced matcha green tea latte set atop the wooden table now long forgotten and a small pool of water from the condensation forming at the bottom of the cup.

Throwing a glance at the younger behind the counter all the while trying to soak up every bit of information he could find is a mentally taxing work for Bang Chan. He found himself locking his phone and mindlessly throwing it on the table, only to grab it once again after a few seconds. As if reading the last article from the third page of Google was still not enough to demonstrate the truth of what Felix had told him.

Delving into the deepest realm of his thoughts, Chan failed to notice the looming figure next to his table. Only realizing the younger's existence when he heard him clear his throat for the third time since then. Chan, far too gone to care, didn't hide the appalled expression evident on his face at the sight of the same person who claimed to not know him.

"W-what can I d-do for you?" Chan questioned, mentally scolding himself for stuttering and masking his quite flustered state behind the low grumble emitting from his lips.

"I-I heard from F-Felix Hyung... Can I borrow a bit of your time?" Jeongin mumbled, equally a mess as the older.

Chan answered with a slight nod, prompting Jeongin to settle on the seat across him while fiddling with his fingers. Chan did not fail to notice the tinge of pink adorning the younger's cheeks. And just when he thought Jeongin couldn't be more adorable, he was proven wrong when he heard a soft squeak indicating that the mentioned is just as flustered as him.

"I forgive you." Jeongin started, finally breaking the silence that settled between them. "There's no point getting mad over something I can't remember, right?"

"S-still, I'm sorry... but I promise I have an acceptable reason!"

"There's no need to, Chan. I won't remember any of it, anyway."

"It's true?"

"What is?"

"That you haveㅡ"

"Anterograde amnesia? Unfortunately, yeah," Jeongin smiled sheepishly while rubbing his nape, his eyes landing on the cup seated in front of the Chan. The latter's face morphed into that of concern mixed with compassion, to which Jeongin answered with a soft snort and adding, "Don't give me that look. And I know you have questions so feel free to ask me while Lixie Hyung and Seungmin Hyung are being generous."

Chan bit the insides of his cheek, his pair of brown orbs not leaving the younger's face before rubbing his tired eyes. "You really can't remember everything? How do you keep track of what's going on in your life?"

Jeongin emitted a soft hum while nodding his head a bit, "I have a notebook I keep at home, mostly for the basic things like reminding myself to get groceries or for certain things that I need to do. I usually read every morning."

"How about the new people you've met..." Chan trailed off, carefully gnawing at his bottom lip before continuing with a small voice. "Like me?"

"Can't remember them at all. I don't even know if I met a new person before you. Maybe I did but I don't think they're relevant enough for me to actually take a chunk of my time and read about them." Jeongin flashed the male a rather sad smile. "I can remember my friends from before... but I can't form new memories so it's impossible for me to remember new ones."

Chan is someone notable from his field, known by everyone as the genius producer CB97. But even then, he is not someone who chases the spotlight. He prefers staying in the shadow, in the comforts of the four walls of his studio and away from the scrutinizing eyes of the public; creating things he loves to share with the people in hopes that it would bring comfort to them. That's how he wants to appear. Fame and recognition is not something he would willingly ask for people to give him.

But at this exact moment, all beyond the praise and recognition from the public, Chan wants nothing but to be remembered; not by everyone but by _Yang Jeongin._

"Jeongin, I know this will sound crazy but can you promise me something?"

"Uh, I am not sure if that's a good idea but I'll give it a shot?"

"Promise me that you'll remember me." Chan holds out his pinky in front of the younger male. Albeit sceptical, Jeongin can't help but wrap his own around the elder's finger, officially sealing the promise he oh so _desperately_ want to keep.

"I'm Bang Chan. 24. A producer from SKZ Entertainment and I want to be your friend, Yang Jeongin. So please, remember me."

And despite having no distinct memory of the older male, Jeongin can't help but find himself at peace. As someone who is distrustful around new people, Jeongin could not find it in him to hold his guard up around the male. It's true, the male is beautiful inside and out. Ethereal, even. And he can't help but briefly wonder how someone as exquisite as Chan exists.

And if he found the elder's little antics far more endearing than he should be, it's for Jeongin to know and for the mentioned to discover.

* * *

"Hi, Yang Jeongin. I'm Bang Chan, 24, a producer from SKZ Entertainment. I am your friend."

Jeongin's ears perked up at the sound of his name, quickly looking up from the counter and momentarily halting from wiping the surface to keep it as spotless as possible. A tight smile making its way across his lips, as if to hide the threatening grin from breaking on his face.

"Oh! It's you! Hello, Bang Chan Hyung." Jeongin giggled, a tinge of pink now adorning his cheeks. "So, the usual? Your favourite drink?"

"You remember that too?" To say that Chan is astounded is an understatement. Of course, he expected the younger to remember him, considering how this set up has been going on for days ever since he learned about Jeongin's condition. But he can't help the bubbling feeling inside his chest at how Jeongin took it upon himself to memorize his favourite drink. After all, it's the only drink that he ordered every single time he dropped by.

"Of course! What do you take me for? If I have to do this job then at least let me do it right, Mr Regular." Jeongin playfully scoffed, his eyes ever so slightly turning into slits as he squinted at the male dressed in all-black standing before him.

Chan mimicked the younger's scoff but ended up breaking into another grin. It's almost impossible not to smile when he is around with Jeongin, he figured. The mentioned being the definition of sunshine himself. "Your break is on ten, right? Will you join me?"

And if Jeongin has sticky notes pasted on his bathroom mirror just to make sure he remembers everything about Chan, the latter does not need to know.

ㅡ

"Chan Hyung, it's lunchtime. Are you sure you're only eating tiramisu and your iced matcha? At least save those for dessert!" Jeongin asked, pointedly glaring at the male currently seated across him; his voice, albeit mischievous, still holds solemnity as if he is scolding the older between the two.

"Sometimes I wonder if you are actually the older one between us," Chan clicked his tongue, feigning annoyance. Nevertheless, he found Jeongin's efforts way too endearing. After all, it's not every day he meets someone who cares enough for his wellbeing.

"At least make time to take care of yourself. I knew this would happen so here," Jeongin pulled an extra pair of chopsticks and spoon, handing it over the elder.

"I have you here with me." Chan countered. If there is a speaker attached to his heart, everyone would be able to hear how loud his heart is pathetically drumming inside his chest.

And Jeongin, being the dense person that he is, answered, "Is this another job for me?"

"Hey! It sounds bad if you put it that way!"

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'll try to look after you so eat up. I am not the best cook but they are decent enough..."

Chan watched the younger with fond eyes, not exactly sure when he started tuning out the younger's words. Only focusing on the way Jeongin's eyes would light up as he talked about the side dishes _'Hyunjin's mom'_ made; or the way his nose would scrunch up adorably when he found something hilarious or distasteful; or the way his lips moved whether it's smiling, pursing or pouting.

_His lips._

Chan briefly wondered how the pair would taste like. Would it be sweet like one of those cakes on display? Or would it be bitter like Jeongin's favourite drink, iced Americano? Or maybe it's the flavour of the lip balm he uses? Only Jeongin would know and Chan is left wondering.

Jeongin gently poked Chan's forehead, soft giggles falling from his lips which immediately broke Chan from his trance. "Hyung, I know I am cute but you don't have to stare at me like that."

"I am not staring at you. You just look funny." Chan retorted defensively, placing a spoonful of food in front of Jeongin's mouth. "Here, eat this and shut up or else..."

"Or else what?" Jeongin taunted.

Chan didn't dare say anything, masking his real thoughts with some petty excuse that ran along the lines of his harmless threat meaning nothing.

_Or else I would kiss you._

The two finished the hearty meal in peace, throwing a few words and teasing remarks here and there. Frankly speaking, it has been the closest to any home-cooked meal Chan had eaten in a while. Jeongin was more than proud after receiving a few praises from the male, promising to pack more lunch for both of them.

"Ah, wait. I have something to give you." Chan reached inside his messenger bag, pulling out the light blue notebook with a small fox drawn in the middle.

"Hmm? A notebook for me?" Jeongin paused from tidying up his lunchbox, a bashful smile making its way across his face as he reached for the item.

"It may not be much but I hope you like it."

With curiosity filling the younger's senses, the mentioned carefully flipped the notebook open. Gasping quietly when he realized what was written down on the first few pages. There, in the middle of the first page, was his photo with Chan taken a few days ago, along with the elder's profile neatly written right below it; a couple of pages followed the story of how they met and became friends.

"Channie Hyung..." Jeongin slowly looked up, his eyes glistening with happy tears. He can't bring himself to speak further, clearly elated from the thoughtful gift.

"D-don't look at me like that!" Chan emitted a soft whine, playfully placing his palm over the younger's eyes; to which Jeongin swatted without any second thoughts. "I just really don't want you to forget about me so please..."

"Seriously, thank you Channie Hyung. The 'dressed in all black' helped a lot in describing you but this... This means a lot to me and I will make sure to keep our memories here."

Chan knew for a fact that he wouldn't mind buying a whole store's worth of notebooks if that means Jeongin will get to remember him in every second of his waking hours.


	4. chorus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. This is a fanfiction from the author's imagination. Any resemblance of the theme of the storyline is purely coincidental. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chan is someone who loves order and routine. He likes everything planned out and he rarely acts on impulses; there are so many things to consider for that matter, he believes. He is not the most uptight person, but he always finds comfort in knowing what and how things would materialize.

But with Jeongin, everything is spontaneous. Every single day with the younger male offered a new experience for Chan. At least something new and different from his monotonous life. Jeongin being unpredictable but exciting. Maybe that's why the older was drawn to him. After all, Chan believes that opposites attract; and if it's another petty excuse to justify the blooming feeling inside his chest, no one has to know.

Cliché as it may sound, for Chan, Jeongin is an escape, a _safe haven_ ; away from fame, from pretence. Chan found himself confiding in the male more than he does to any of his long term friends. And as ridiculous and fast as everything sounds, Jeongin managed to take a chunk of his heart and Chan would gladly surrender the whole piece without a second thought.

"Channie Hyung?" Jeongin, who is currently sprawled on the mat, called. The two is currently out for a picnic.

A month already passed with the same thing happening consistently. By consistently, it's almost every other day. It is undeniable that the two have gotten closer throughout the time; with Chan spending most of his days at the café and Jeongin stopping by for a quick talk at his table when he's not too busy attending to the customers or when it's lunchtime. Some days, Chan would drop by for three days straight before some things decided it would fun to get in between his romantic getaway; all in all, everything is going smoothly between the two.

Each time, they learned new things about each other; like how Jeongin prefers scrambled eggs over sunny side ups; how Chan doesn't drink coffee that's why his go-to drink is the iced matcha green tea latte; how Jeongin left his home when he was in high school because his parents didn't accept him, but everything is all right because he has Hyunjin's and Seungmin's parents as his new ones; and how Chan is struggling at producing songs because it is not "marketable" enough.

They have talked about almost everything they could find under the sun.

_Except for the growing feelings the older has been trying to desperately bury at the back of his mind._

By then, Jeongin already solidified his spot in Chan's heart, sealed it with locks no one could possibly break. And Jeongin, despite not being able to remember every bit of information about the older male, knew. It's the way Jeongin always felt safe and comfortable around the Chan tells him that the mentioned is someone his heart holds dear.

"What do you think you desperately need the most right now?" Jeongin asked, tilting his head ever so slightly to get a good look at the elder's face. A view that Jeongin would never get tired of.

Chan pondered over the question. Sure, he has his everyday needs but those are trivial things that money can buy. _Inspiration?_ Yeah, he does need that but not desperately. _Jeongin?_ Maybe, but that's something he would not admit to himself, at least not now.

The older emitted a soft hum in thought, letting the comfortable silence fall between them. "Time. I guess time is what I desperately need the most."

"Time? Why?"

"Just because," Chan mumbled, plopping down next to the younger's form. Frankly, he's not entirely sure as to why he answered 'time', of all possible things. "You know how there are days when you wished time would stretch out for you, or that it would stop." _Like right now._

"You know, Channie Hyung."Jeongin gingerly took Chan's hand in his, briefly toying with his fingers before tracing the lines on his palm. "One thing I realized, especially with my current situation, is that I should live every single day like it's my last. Because you'll never know what could happen."

Chan didn't answer. Instead, he intertwined their fingers together while letting the pad of his thumb graze over the smooth surface of Jeongin's skin; prompting Jeongin to continue.

"Since I can't remember everything from my yesterdays and I have no idea what's coming for tomorrow, I should at least live my today to the fullest," Jeongin said, his free hand gently patting his chest as if to make his point across.

"If you think you need time, it's because you're not living your today the right way. You're wasting so much time worrying about the things that are naturally out of your control that you're forgetting to enjoy. Loosen up a bit, yeah?"

Chan rolled over to lie on his stomach, facing the younger who is sprawled on his back. The sight of Jeongin's bright grin is enough to make his heart stop and envelop his whole being with the kind of warmth he didn't know he needed. He has never seen someone so breathtaking: eyes turned into crescents, dimples full-on display, cheeks crimson.

Then his eyes landed on the luscious pair of lips.

His breathing hitched. And before Chan knew it, his face is inches away from Jeongin's flustered one; the latter's wide eyes staring back at his dark orbs without any hind of protest or hesitation. _Jeongin wants this too just as much as he does._ He delicately tilted Jeongin's face, the previously intertwined fingers with the younger now abandoned as Chan encased the former's face in his rather rough palms; leaving Jeongin to cling unto the black fabric of Chan's shirt.

_One beat._

Chan finally closed the remaining gap between the two; _slowly but surely._

The waiting time nearly killing them both.

Chan realized a few things: kissing Jeongin's lips is nothing close to what he imagined; it is far better. He tastes like strawberries they were previously snacking on, with a slight hint of cherry that must have been from the younger's lip balm. His lips are slightly chapped but still soft. And if home and comfort have a distinct taste, it would be Jeongin's mouth.

Chan held Jeongin like he is some kind of porcelain; one that could break anytime if the older is not careful enough. Even then, they found their feelings cascading through the kiss as Chan found himself gliding his tongue across the bitten lower lip of the male he's madly in love with; Jeongin wasted no time to welcome the hot muscle, giving him the permission to explore the deepest part of his cavern; as if it's the last time they will share something as intimate as this. Both knew it's just the start of the many moments they will share together, but they found it impossible to stop as if their life depended on it. Because at the back of their minds, they are terribly aware that they are battling with an enemy they can never defeat.

They only parted when they found it physically taxing to keep going when their lungs burned from the lack of oxygen. Both are panting like crazy as if they just ran a marathon. They are breathless but beyond ecstatic.

_One beat. Two beats._

When Chan found his heart already calming down, he didn't waste any second to press his lips against Jeongin's pair for a couple of pecks, which the latter welcomed with open arms and a few more in return.

"Channie?"

"Yes, darling?"

"My brain might forget all the tiny details about you but this..." Jeongin gingerly took Chan's hand, placing the elder's palm over his chest, to the spot where his beating heart is situated, "will always remember. You are here. Always."

_One beat. Two beats. Three beats._

No one dared say the words; the unspoken truth only their hearts know.

I love you.

* * *

"Ah, nothing really beats mintcho!" Jeongin giggled as he shoves another spoonful of ice cream in his mouth. The taste of the melting treat earning a soft hum in delight from the younger; his eyes disappearing into crescents as he gobbles down his favourite treat.

"Seriously? Mint Chocolate? It's like snacking on toothbrush, baby," Chan deadpanned, the teasing glint evident on his face. This prompted Jeongin to cast a glance at the male with a huff, eyes rolling in feign annoyance before lazily shifting to press his back on the elder's warm and broad chest.

They are currently situated on the younger's couch, with Jeongin finding comfort in settling on the elder's lap instead of taking the extra space next to him. Something about being close to Chan brings immense comfort and Jeongin wants nothing but to drown in it. To top it off, Chan's strong arms are wrapped securely around Jeongin's petite waist, thumb ever so gently tracing random patterns over the thin fabric of his shirt. It's like having one's favourite fleece blanket wrapped around their body on a cold winter night.

"You need better taste in ice cream!" Jeongin grumbled, eyes drilling holes on the television where a random romantic-comedy movie is playing just to fill in the background.

"You need better taste in men then," Chan retorted, stifling a chuckle. The statement earned a quiet gasp from the younger, wide eyes meeting Chan's dark orbs in sheer horrification.

"You don't mean that!"

"And if I do?"

Jeongin carefully sets the tub of ice cream and his spoon on the wooden coffee table before shifting a bit to straddle the older. He pursed his lips, hard gaze staring down Chan as he mumbled firmly. "I believe I'll have to make you shut up because we don't tolerate self-deprecating humour in this household." Jeongin paused, fingers lightly jabbing Chan's chest as if to make his point across. The younger's face is almost devoid of emotions, except for his eyes that screams something akin to vexation, as he continued. "Especially not from you, Bang Chan."

Jeongin knew that behind all the sweet smiles façade, playful banter and jokes, there lies something deep that he himself was not sure if he should touch. He does know for a fact that Bang Chan is nearly a stranger to him, except for the pages of memories he has to re-read every single morning. But he didn't mind, because deep down, he can't deny the fact that his heart is already beating for the older.

Before Chan could utter a quick-witted response to drag himself further, Jeongin took it upon himself to press his lips against the plump pair of the older; completely silencing his insecurities and burying it somewhere that should never be revisited. The younger successfully filling the void with so much love and affection. The kiss was slow and deliberate as if the two are treading on dangerous waters; and Chan found himself grinning, for the most part, earning soft giggles from the younger. _Oh how much he loves Jeongin._

And when they parted, all the anxiety and self-doubt irking to crawl out of his skin are long gone. Completely eased by a pair of lips, owned by the person who owns his whole heart. Then, Jeongin rests his forehead against the male, lips curling into a sweet smile as he lets his thumb rub over the smooth surface of Chan's cheek. The seething air completely disappearing, replaced by something akin to worry, adoration and above all, love.

Even then, Jeongin didn't miss the chance to plant his lips against the elder's pair for a couple more pecks. He found it addicting, much more than any kind of drugs existing. And maybe, just maybe, Chan is the kind of drug he would never mind getting addicted to. Truthfully, Jeongin is not one to initiate; the mentioned is not the most affectionate person and skinship is something he is not particularly fond of. But with Chan, _oh god with Chan,_ Jeongin will give his everything just to feel an inch of the elder's skin against his.

"I just realized something," Jeongin mumbled. He made no attempt to move even an inch from their current position.

"What is?" Chan questioned, his arms looping protectively around the younger's waist so naturally that anyone would think it belongs there.

"That you are my first friend in my post-amnesia state."

"Really? Just a friend?" Chan probed, lips pressing briefly against the younger to emphasize his point. "Because as far as I can remember, friends don't really kiss each other."

"Shut up and just help me bake cookies for Seungmin Hyung's birthday."

"Wait, don't tell me you kiss your other friends too? Jeongin?" The younger whined, flushing from the question as he let his beet-red face find refuge into the crook of the elder's neck. As much as he wants to ask Chan about their status, he couldn't bring himself to do so. Maybe not now, not yet. Maybe when the _time is right._

"So, do you kiss Seungmin and Felix the way you kiss me?"

ㅡ

Soon, the two found each other inside the small kitchen of Jeongin's flat. The younger plopping himself down on countertop once he successfully placed the batch of cookies inside the oven. Chan scooted closer the younger, letting Jeongin pull him with eager hands and situating himself in between his legs. A shy smile adorning the elder's lips as he stares at the male before him with fond and loving eyes.

Contrary to what everyone sees in the movies, baking cookies with Jeongin was not filled with flour and egg fights. Chan would have initiated but Jeongin's warning before the former was allowed to step a foot inside the kitchen made him think twice. Something about not wanting to clean up the mess and not giving him any kiss along the way.

Nevertheless, Chan is ecstatic. It has been a while since he experienced something so mundane. And for some reason, he felt free. Free from all the stress he has to face with his job; the pressure from his peers; the suffocating air inside his dimly-lit studio. Now, he realized: Jeongin is the breath of fresh air he didn't know he desperately needed.

They let the comfortable silence fall in between them, their eyes speaking louder and clearer more than they can let themselves be. After a while, Chan chuckled inwardly when a certain thought managed to cross his mind in the most random time. _Funny how things could change overnight._

Chan used to think that having a lover is the last thing that he needs in his life. He thought that having his friends and family, plus good health is enough. But now that he's staring back into Jeongin's hazel and twinkling orbs, he wants nothing more than to wake up in the lanky arms of a particular person.

Chan felt his chest tightened, head dizzy and a burning sensation prickling his skin; unsure if it's from the sudden realization that Jeongin means a lot more than he expected him to be or the underlying predicament bubbling up.

Because at this moment, when Jeongin's fingers glided across his skin accompanied by the soft giggles and gentle kisses on his cheek, Chan is certain that _to have Yang Jeongin by his side is enough reason to keep him happy and alive._


	5. post-chorus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. This is a fanfiction from the author's imagination. Any resemblance of the theme of the storyline is purely coincidental. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chan woke up to the smell he grew accustomed to for the past years. The strong smell of the lemon bleach wafting from the bedding made his head throb and his stomach churn. He kept his eyes shut, not wanting to face the truth he was desperately trying to give a wide berth to. It didn't help that his attempt to go back to sleep was futile as his mind started to race with so many thoughts. However, just like before, one notion stood out the most: he wants nothing but to get out of this hell-hole as soon as he could and never come back.

He slowly opened his eyes when he heard the sound of the door sliding open and shut, a familiar female clad in her uniform walked in. "Oh, good morning, Chan."

"Hey, Sana. What time is it?"

"Ten in the morning, bubs," Sana answered. The usual sweet smile plastered on her face ever so slightly disappearing into a thin line. "This is the third time this month, Chan. I hope you're not forgetting."

Chan sighed. Of course, what did he expect? He could not possibly forget; the constant palpitation in his heart is the harsh reminder of the many futile attempts to grapple every bit of normalcy in his life.

He is no different than Jeongin; both clamouring to get back to the normal life they wished they could have. Like Jeongin, he has been silently wishing for a miracle, _magic,_ to happen overnight that could completely change his life; that maybe the universe would finally align and answer his desperate prayers for more time.

Chan is waging his own war with time.

_Time._

Time is gold. Chan has always found that phrase a little ridiculous. By all means, why would someone compare gold with something as intangible as time; something that is nothing but a figment of our imagination. But now he realized that maybe, just maybe, it is worth more than any golds in this world. Because you can work your ass off and earn your golds but you can never turn back the time, especially the lost ones. And if he could trade his millions for more, he would.

"Chan, you're awake?" Jinyoung walked inside the room in all his glory, wearing the familiar coat Chan has always loathed. Something that he wants nothing but to burn. "I believe we have to talk about many things."

When Jinyoung didn't receive any answer from the debilitated male, he decided to continue. "You're not getting any younger. And I know that you have already rejected my proposal from months ago but Chan, please considerㅡ"

"I'll do it," Chan answered pointedly, a hint of finality dripping in his voice.

"Great, I'll have everything scheduled as soon as possible," Jinyoung responded in a quite hurried manner, afraid that the male would change his mind if he didn't affirm too quickly. He then gave Chan a light and what supposed to be a comforting pat on the shoulder. But it did nothing to comfort the male. "For now, I'll let Sana take over and address your needs. Call me if you need anything."

ㅡ

"Jeongin, tell lover boy that we're closing the café in fifteen. We can go straight to Minnie's apartment for the party!" Felix poked Jeongin's side while wiggling his brows teasingly before motioning the younger to inform the mentioned who is currently working on his laptop at one of the booths in the café.

It is Seungmin's birthday and as a tradition, they would gather to one of the apartments to celebrate. The mentioned owning the biggest one which pretty much explains everything about the setup. And of course, Felix would never miss the chance to invite Changbin, the boy he has been crushing on. Thus, extending the invitation to his two friends, Chan and Jisung. Besides, Jeongin's friends were very well-informed about the budding relationship between the famous producer and their amnesiac friend, so it would not hurt to have them around, right? _The more, the merrier,_ they said.

Jeongin hummed in response, finally succeeding in untying the knot before folding his apron neatly and placing it back on the rack. He then gently runs his palm over his short-sleeved dress shirt, smoothing out the wrinkled area before making his way to the elder's table.

"Channie!"Jeongin beamed, a little too enthusiastic than normal as he settled himself next to the male.

Chan's rather gloomy face visibly lightened up at the younger's presence as he automatically pulled the grinning male in his tight and warm embrace. Jeongin was quick to melt into the elder's touch, his face pressing comfortably against the elder's broad chest.

"Café is closing down in fifteen so you should pack up. Also, you didn't forget about the party, right?" Jeongin queried, snaking his arms around the male's torso and tilting his head as he patiently waits for Chan's response.

"Of course, I didn't. You were reminding me the whole day, silly," Chan mumbled as he pressed a tender kiss on the younger's forehead.

Soon, the two found themselves ensconced into Seungmin's living room, with Jeongin glued to Chan's side. As per usual, Chan has an arm around Jeongin's waist while Jeongin rests his head comfortably on the former's shoulder who is busy laughing at one of the many jokes Jisung mentioned ever since they set a foot inside Seungmin's apartment. The elder's thumb ever so gently rubbing the younger's side in a soothing manner.

The sound of the beep followed by the unlocking door made Jisung pause midway about his embarrassing story of Changbin. A person clad in his white shirt and khaki shorts walked in. _Hwang Hyunjin._ The individual they have been waiting for so they could get the party started. His presence garnered almost everyone's attention with Jeongin's friends greeting the male with lighthearted jokes about how he made them wait.

Chan, on the other hand, paid no heed, having no interest to anyone. Well, except for one. Besides, he has seen so many people with striking features that this one didn't faze him at all. He only did a double-take when he heard Jeongin shrieked, hurriedly springing up from his seat to greet the said male with a tight hug, almost tackling him into the ground. Luckily, the other was strong enough to keep them from falling.

"Jinnie Hyung! I'm so happy to see you!" Jeongin giggled, arms latching tightly around Hyunjin's torso. The latter returned the hug equally tight, his lips curling into a bashful smile as he gently pats the younger's head.

Chan balled his fists as he felt his chest tightened in the most uncomfortable manner, _a feeling he already knew all too well,_ at the sight of Jeongin hugging someone else right before him. He knows that he doesn't have the right to be mad, especially when 'Jinnie' is one of Jeongin's friends. Much like himself. Chan's gaze hardened as he watched the two interact with his hawk-like eyes, not missing the way Hyunjin pressed an affectionate peck on Jeongin's forehead as they talk about 'Kkami'.

_Mine,_ Chan thought.

Chan knew the dark monster looming around him. He already met it and felt it before. He saw how destructive it could get. So he tried his hardest to force it out of his life to prevent it from eating him away. There are certain moments in his life where he can't help but think twice about everything, but even then, he learned how to turn the monster into something beneficial for his personal growth.

He felt _jealous._

But he would never admit that. It wasn't the way this 'Jinnie' is holding the person Chan is madly in love with, or the way the mentioned is acting way too affectionate than he would like. It was beyond the physical aspect that he knew he could receive from the object of his affection. But rather it's the fact that Jeongin could remember them without needing any notebook filled with photos and memories about him. It was the bitter truth and the tangled ball of insecurities that he knew he could never change no matter what.

He was lucky enough that Jeongin welcomed him in his life with open arms even after learning his sheer inability to trust anyone, especially with his current state. More so, the younger dedicated and grant a portion of his heart to the elder, which requires a vast amount of trust for the younger to bestow upon him.

He only realized he was watching the two for too long when he felt his phone vibrating. A text message from Jisung flashing on the screen, calling him out for pulling one of his hobbies: staring. A certain sour taste filled his mouth when he saw the teasing smirk from his two friends, with Changbin wiggling his brows, to which he returned with a glare before shoving his phone back inside his pocket.

"Channie Hyung, are you okay?" Jeongin mumbled as he settled himself back on his previous spot next to Chan. _To where he truly belongs._ The younger placed his hand over Chan's fist, not missing the sudden change in his mood, as he stared at him with worried eyes.

Chan cleared his throat, the throbbing pain in his chest not subsiding even a bit, as he answered the younger with a quiet _'I'm fine'._

Jeongin pouted, clearly not buying the elder's response. He noticed the way Chan's eyes wavered and the way his jaw tightened when he answered. He rubbed his palm on the elder's balled hand as he queried once again, voice firm this time. "Channie Hyung, are you okay?"

Chan didn't answer. Instead, he gently took Jeongin's skinny hand in his broad ones and gave it a gentle squeeze. His lips curled into a small smile, which seemed rather forced to Jeongin's perspective, as he tried to bite back the excruciating pain in his chest. Finding it funny how Jeongin could read him like an open book more than his friends could, given the incapacity of the male to remember his certain little antics that even his friends for years still have a hard time discerning. 

Maybe the heart really knew what the mind can't decipher.

Only then Chan realized how much he would love to live a long life filled with Jeongin's gentle touches and sincere smiles. _Oh, how he would love to grow old with Yang Jeongin._

And if Jeongin noticed anything unusual, he decided not to speak about it and just trust the elder's words.

* * *

The whole living room of Seungmin's apartment was in total chaos: the table that was previously filled with plates of foods now replaced by bottles of soju and beer for them to share; the sound of laughter mixed with excited chatters booming and the stench of alcohol filling the room packed with eight chaotic people.

"Baby Innie! I am not allowing you to drink. You can have this instead!" Hyunjin, in his slightly intoxicated state, pranced out of the kitchen to pass a pack of Yakult drink to the mentioned.

Jeongin whined, thrashing his arms ever so slightly in protest. Even so, he's not the biggest fan of the bitter taste of the alcohol but he decided to play along with Hyunjin. "Hyungie! I am old enough to drink!"

The latter shook his head firmly and Jeongin knew that it would be pointless to argue further, knowing how inane Hyunjin could get when he's drunk; all from the distant memories of their college days. With a sigh, he accepted the whole pack and slumped back on his seat.

And of course, Chan didn't miss the interaction between the two. After all, his eyes are almost always trained on the younger even with the slightest bit of effort. Like Jeongin is some kind of magnet that kept pulling every inch of his being, and Chan is far too gone to fight back. Each time, he will always find himself staring at the male more than he should; and even after getting called out many times, mostly by Han Jisung, he still wouldn't admit to it.

Chan couldn't help but glare a tad bit at the blonde male who is currently bickering with the younger next to him. His attempt to make it as subtle as possible was futile when Hyunjin's eyes suddenly met the elder's dark orbs; the former's eyebrows furrowing in silent queries.

Then, Hyunjin's lips turned into a teasing smirk a moment later, as if something clicked inside his brain. It was something as clear as the day that any human eye would recognize. The blonde kept his gaze at the seemingly tensed male for a hot minute before returning his attention to Jeongin.

"By the way, I don't think you've introduced me to your friend, baby Innie." Hyunjin made sure to put emphasis on the words _'friend'_ and _'baby'_ as if taunting the eldest was the best idea in the whole world.

The words uttered by the long-haired male earned a scowl from Chan, his jaw clenching even more at the pet name; mentally reminding himself not to use it anymore. He tried his best to bite back all the salty words his mouth could sputter any minute now. Jealousy is ugly, so is treading on a tightrope with no favourable options to choose from. And it doesn't help that Hyunjin is way too pretty for his own good.

With little to no self-control in him, he grabbed the untouched glass filled with liquids he knew he should not be drinking, downing it in one go. It burned. But he is far too upset to care and the bitter taste left in his tongue provided a scant amount of comfort to ease the throbbing pain in his chest. The precipitous action garnered worried looks from his two friends who was silently watching from the corner of the room. Silently looking out for their friend who ostensibly forgotten all the reminders he should be keeping in mind, twenty-four seven.

And of course, Jeongin remained oblivious through it all.

"Oh right!"Jeongin beamed, eyes twinkling in delight as he shifted a bit to face Chan whose eyes are glued on the glass as if it's the most interesting object existing in the world. The alteration made a room for Hyunjin to squeeze himself in the little space remaining on Jeongin's side, the former taking advantage of the situation and proceeded to wrap an arm around the latter's shoulder. To push things further, Hyunjin made sure to rest his cheek on the crown of Jeongin's head, the smirk never leaving his face, as if to mock the elder even more.

Chan can't help but swallow the lump visibly forming in his throat, his arm around Jeongin's waist ever so slightly loosening as though he is already announcing his defeat in a battle that has not even started yet. It stirred his insecurities to the brim. His stomach churned funnily because he knew that he was meant to lose from the start. But he is stubborn and he is pretty damn adamant to suppress everything.

_Does Jeongin really treat his friends the same way? Does he kiss and hug them the same way he did with me?_

The bitter thoughts that he desperately wants to stifle crossed his mind and for a moment, he was ready to _run_ , because it's the only thing that he's good at. The situation with Hyunjin was like having a sudden reality check wherein he is, once again, reminded of his rightful place; that he is nothing more than a _friend._ He believed it was partly his fault, though he decided that this certain thought should be reserved for another night of tailspin that only the four black walls of his room should witness.

Nevertheless, he decided to set aside the destructing presumptions. He already had a week's worth of apprehension in one night and it's already affecting his overall mood and his health.

_Everything is going to end soon, anyway._

"So, Jinnie Hyung, this is Chan Hyung. And Chan Hyung, this is my Jinnie Hyung..." Jeongin paused for a bit and made a face at Hyunjin while slightly poking his side. The exchange only lasted for a second or two, but Chan wasn't one to miss. There are days when he hated how observant he could get, and now is one of those times. Chan clicked his tongue in sheer annoyance. And unbeknownst to him, Hyunjin noticed it all, _saw it all, knew it all._ He was watching the elder closely as if he was some kind of an entertainer and Hyunjin was having the best time of his life.

"...he is my cousin and he is Seungminnie Hyung's boyfriend!"

"What?" Chan has never turned his head so fast in his life before; so fast that if the human body can break in a snap, his head would be long detached from his neck and his shoulders.

"What?" Jeongin titled his head confusedly, scratching his cheek as he stared back at the eldest with wide and questioning eyes.

"...your cousin? Seungmin's boyfriend?" Chan mumbled, mostly to himself, but the two before him didn't miss it. He can't wrap his head around the sudden revelation. All this time, he thought Hyunjin was a potential threat that would end his fantasies just by breathing next to Jeongin. And don't get him started with how clingy and touchy the two were. Chan concluded that over the course of hours he was with the whole group, he never saw Hyunjin be clingy with Seungmin. But that's mostly his fault for not paying attention and the only plausible explanations are: one, they are not Jeongin; two, his eyes are, in fact, _always_ on Jeongin.

He is _shamelessly_ admitting it now.

Hyunjin emitted a dramatic gasp before screaming to get his boyfriend's attention, who is currently chatting with Minho. The commotion amassing the curiosity of the remaining four pair of eyes.

"Holy shit! Seungmin! You owe me fifty bucks!" Hyunjin added before falling on the floor, laughing hysterically while clutching his stomach. It didn't take the others even a second to catch on what's happening.

Except for Jeongin who looked around like a lost child in the sea of crazy and unbridled teens.

"Hey, I didn't know! I'm sorry!" Chan countered defensively, his face heating up in embarrassment. He tried to hide his crimson cheeks by pressing his face into the crook of Jeongin's neck, eliciting noises in distress that is something akin to the sound of a dying animal. And if he used this as both an opportunity and an excuse to pull the younger closer, nobody has to know.

Above all, Chan is relieved. Comforted by the thought that Jeongin is _his_ , even in the fleeting moment the universe would allow him to experience. He had never felt truly alive unless he is with the younger. Jeongin was the constant reminder of how nugatory it is to regret the things that have happened in his _yesterdays_ , and that he has to put behind his qualms for the uncertain _tomorrows._

Jeongin is someone Chan would willingly hold dear in his life, even in his _last breath._

Because he knew that after tonight, a choice should be made. And he already did.

He is _living_ today.


	6. bridge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. This is a fanfiction from the author's imagination. Any resemblance of the theme of the storyline is purely coincidental. No copyright infringement is intended.

He is _leaving_ today.

There are only a handful of moments when Chan felt genuinely relieved in his life.

The first one was when he was five. When his mom found him exactly ten minutes after he lost sight of her baby blue dress adorned with patterns of white chrysanthemum when they visited one of the crowded streets in Sydney.

Another was when he missed his flight to Korea, prompting him to grab the next possible one. He learned after that the engine had a slight malfunction midway and had to emergency land somewhere. Thus, costing more time and hassle, and as an extremely busy and workaholic person, Chan couldn't afford that.

The next one was when he thought Changbin accidentally downloaded a virus on his laptop. It was a crucial moment for Chan, especially when he has more than twenty unfinished music files for the artists he was working with. Meaning, he would have to sacrifice no less than a week's worth of sleep just so he could meet the deadline. Thankfully, it was a battery problem and his files were intact. Most importantly, it was not Changbin's fault.

Another vague but relieving memory was when he finally opened his eyes after collapsing from the excruciating pain in his chest and too much fatigue, or that's what he thought. Upon closer inspection and as he tried to make sense of his surroundings, when he was met with two pairs of worried eyes and the beeping sounds from the monitor, did he realize that he was hooked up to different machines he never thought he would be needing once more. Then the same thing happened, again and again.

And the most recent one. _Right now._

As Chan walked out of Jeongin's apartment that same night. Torn sheets of paper, a couple of sticky notes and a light blue notebook with a small fox drawn in the middle were messily thrust inside his messenger bag. Hushed confessions and apologies were the only things lingering in the air after he pressed an ephemeral kiss on the sleeping male's soft and warm pair of lips that, even then, still tastes like home.

But it doesn't feel anything close to _home._

He threw one final glance at Jeongin's sleeping form. He looks peaceful, Chan discerned. Lips curled into the softest smile his eyes had laid on, while he's all snuggled up into the comfort of his cosy bed. Chan can't help but mirror the smile, albeit briefly. The fondness he previously held was replaced with nothing but bitterness in a matter of seconds; the smiling face now devoid of emotions, heart clenching in, by far, the most painful way he had experienced in his life. And Chan knew that if he stayed any longer, he would chicken out; he would end up running back to Jeongin's comforting embrace.

Each step he took was too heavy. Like the floor was no different from a quicksand; step-by-step equivalent to inch-by-inch of his being. Sucking him in and he can't find a possible way out. He nearly crawled his way out, his knees buckling uncomfortably as though it would give up on him any second longer. It was a wonder that he didn't faint on his way out because he was so sure that his body would end up meeting the cold concrete floor; everything was spinning, blurring.

And when he managed to make it out of the apartment, he forced himself to sprint towards the familiar black car waiting for him outside. His two friends who are occupying the front seats watched him with worried eyes as he clambered inside. He was gasping for air like there is no tomorrow, cheeks wet from the contrite tears continuously flowing from the broken faucet in the form of his eyes, all the while clutching the fabric of shirt so tight his knuckles turned white but none of it eased the pain.

"I can't breathe."

ㅡ

"Jesus, Chan! It was bad enough that the date was moved and now you want me to be your little accomplice?" Sana deadpanned, taking a left turn at an intersection. The female tilted her head to glare briefly at the male currently settled on the passenger seat of her car. "I promised Jinyoung to keep an eye on you. I could literally lose my job right at this moment."

"Come on, just this once? I just need to see him before..." Chan trailed off, desperation oozing from his voice.

"Of course, just this once. There will be no next time, mark my words. And you have to make it quick," Sana responded with a scowl, but even then she couldn't bring herself to get mad at the male. After all, Chan is the closest to a little brother Sana could ever have. And if losing her job meant making the male happy, she would willingly sacrifice.

The car stopped in front of the familiar café, and it took a lot of willpower for Chan to stop himself from bolting out. He calmly walked inside the shop, eyes scanning the room for the person he oh so desperately wants to see. And his first instinct was to check the counter, only to be left a tad bit disappointed when he saw a certain freckled male behind it.

"Hey, Chan Hyung! Looking for Jeongin? He should be coming out soon since it's his break. Anything I could get you?" Felix greeted with an equally enthusiastic smile, much like Jeongin. But the older couldn't deny the fact that nobody does it best than Jeongin himself.

"Just a cup of warm water would be nice, Felix," Chan answered with a tepid smile, his attention focused on a single task in mind.

As if on cue, the younger walked out of the staff room, his usual lunchbox in hand as he settled himself in one of the booths tucked in the corner of the room. And when Felix handed him the cup of water, Chan didn't think twice in making his way towards the younger. He took careful and deliberate strides, more afraid to face the bitter truth than spilling the warm content from his cup. But even then, he didn't dither in approaching the male who has his heart.

"Hey, I get lonely when I sit alone. Would you mind if I join you?" Chan mumbled sheepishly, his free hand scratching his cheek as he stares at the younger with hopeful eyes. He is afraid that his request would be met with much resistance from Jeongin, knowing all too well that the mentioned is not really fond of being with _unfamiliar_ people.

Chan felt his heart burst, sparking the small fragment of hope looming inside him when Jeongin replied with a _'yes, sure'_ matched with his usual shy smile that Chan adored. The older hesitated for a bit, searching for any sign of discomfort from the male. And when he found none, he reluctantly plopped on the seat across the younger, careful not to cross any line.

They let the hushed atmosphere that none was brave enough to break fell between the two. Before, their table was filled with playful banters and shared foods; with a certain Yang Jeongin cuddled up to Chan's side while talking about the most random thing his mind would come across. But now, it was so much different, felt so much different. No arms tangled around each other, no sneaky kisses here and there, no home-cooked meal to share.

Just _suffocating_ silence.

Chan can't help but stare, the rather forced smile previously painted on his face was now replaced with a fond one. Of course, he didn't realize that he is, once again, doing the same thing he used to deny. Weirdly enough, Jeongin noticed the way the elder's eyes are watching him. After all, he has the reputation for being the most oblivious one in the crowd. He deduced that maybe, just maybe, they have met before.

Gathering the last bit of his courage, Jeongin decided to break the silence. "Excuse me but have we met before?"

"Have we?" Chan's words sounded much more like a desperate cry than a question. A desperate cry for the younger to remember even just a fragment of him. The spark of hope he possessed minutes ago rapidly dwindling as the rancorous truth he badly wants to refute dawned upon him. Of course, what did he expect? It was stupid of him to believe that the younger would remember him.

"I'm sorry, I must've mistaken you for someone else..."

"Someone else? Who?"

Jeongin opened his mouth to respond, but none came out. So, he opted to flash the elder a sheepish smile while shaking his head and muttering,

"Don't know. Nothing important for me to remember, I guess."

ㅡ

"Chan, didn't I tell you not to leave the four corners of your room? You're supposed to beㅡ"

Chan cut off the raging male before him with an apologetic smile. "I know, I know. I'm sorry, okay? But I'm back now and I won't be going anywhere."

"You really shouldn't," Jinyoung answered firmly, crossing his arms over his chest in feign annoyance before adding. "Rest up tonight, big day tomorrow."

Jinyoung, albeit hesitant, moved closer to the male, pulling him into what seemed to be a reassuring embrace. "Do you trust me, Chan?"

"I trust you, Jinyoung." Chan can't help but return the embrace, seizing any opportunity to obtain any form of comfort from anyone willing to provide him. And right now, in the form of Park Jinyoung.

The hug lasted for a minute or so before Jinyoung decided to pull away; after pressing a tender kiss on the crown of Chan's head. Then, he made his way out of the room with another reminder for the latter to rest up and that they will see each other tomorrow.

Chan watched the elder's back disappear from the door, leaving him all alone in the cold, dark room. Bestowing upon him the chance to visit the deepest corner of his brain and to wallow in self-pity.

He was all ready to say goodbye; knowing how he's far more accomplished than his colleagues, have already solidified his name in the field: much like Tupac Shakur or The Beatles; have helped so many people be it through music or money. He was happy and contented. He was ready to settle on the harrowing truth. And much to his distaste, he is suddenly flooded with so many thoughts second-guessing everything about his life. Now that he's lying on a bed, in a place more than familiar than his own but offered no element of being his home; the plain four walls, all reeking with disinfectants and bleach, did he realize that he is far from being accomplished. 

All because of one reason he knew he could neither _let go_ or _hold on to_

_Yang Jeongin._

* * *

"September 25, 2020; Friday, Sunny! Today, you had pancakes for breakfast. Jinnie's mom made you side dishes, make her cookies again. You met someone weird, nothing important. No work tomorrow, clean the house!"

Jeongin read out the latest entry from his yesterday self, his quiet sobs already subsiding from the rather eventful morning filled with confusion and hot tears streaming down his face, much like the previous days he had. He gently wiped the dried tears on his cheek with the sleeve of an unfamiliar and oversized black hoodie he _unknowingly_ has been wearing. He figured that it must be an article of clothing he bought in one of his post-amnesia days, and the fabric felt soft against his skin so he's not going to complain. _It was like having that same strong arms around him._ It felt extremely warm and comforting. But even then, he can't seem to shake off the hollow feeling inside his chest.

_Was he forgetting something that he shouldn't?_

He decided to flip through a couple of pages in an attempt to appease the tugging feeling and to silence the thoughts plaguing his brain. However, the mere effort to look for answers left Jeongin with more questions when he noticed the remains of what seemed to be messily ripped sheets from the bind. Some pages were missing.

_But why?_

Jeongin tried racking his brain for any possible answer, anything that would make him slightly remember what has been going on with his life on that particular time. Frustration swamping his head when he found none. Of course, his determined attempts were futile knowing well enough that he is incapable to retain new memories.

At this point, Jeongin knew that there's nothing better to do than set his worries aside and go on with his day like what he had planned. He won't be able to remember anything even if he tried and there are no sheets of paper to remind him. But the hollow feelings never left his chest, even when he occupied himself with cleaning his whole place all the while blasting loud music that he thought would help in distracting him.

Even after getting things done, his mind didn't stop drifting off. _Something, or maybe someone, is missing._ But he just checked everything in his house and the typical things he owned were still in place, intact. Brushing it aside, Jeongin decided to get on with his last task for the day – tidying his bed – before he could finally jump in the shower.

_Maybe a visit to the café would give me enough distraction, he thought. After all, Felix is going to be there, along with Minho. Could use a company right now._

He carefully stripped the bed to replace it with the fresh sheets, only to stop dead in his tracks when he saw a folded piece of paper peeking under the pile of pillows.

"What is this? Did I put this under my pillows?" Jeongin mumbled, scratching his cheek ever so slightly as he grabbed the paper. He let his gaze scan the piece, lips pursing in puzzlement when he saw the handwriting that is most certainly not his; something that he couldn't recognize but for some reason, doesn't feel entirely foreign. He must have seen it somewhere, but he couldn't put his finger into it. It took him a hot minute to peel himself off from another journey of ruminating over who could have possibly written the note addressed to him, before fully immersing himself with the contents that left him more than flabbergasted.

> _'To my beloved Innie,_
> 
> _I was the man you once loved. Well, you never told me directly but I want to make myself believe that you did. That's the only identity I could give you though. And I'm sorry if this letter will leave you more muddled than consoled._
> 
> _I admit that it was selfish of me to deprive you of the truth that you, more than anyone else, deserved to know. But this is the only way I know to ease your sufferings. You have been through a lot, darling. And I don't want to be another reason for your pain._
> 
> _Just know that I love you. I love you with all my heart. I love you with my whole being. And if there's another life for us; if all the planets aligned and the universe will finally allow us to be together, I would still choose to love you, over and over again. And I know that you would end up forgetting how much I do, but I don't mind reminding you every single day if that also means I could spend the rest of my days with you._
> 
> _I'm sorry that I had to leave too soon. I would love to spend more time with you, make more memories with you, but I am not sure if every morning I wake up would be my last. And I'm relieved that you would forget about me tomorrow, and the next days after that. That way, you wouldn't have to feel the pain of losing someone._
> 
> _I hope that this letter brings you comfort that someone, somewhere out there, is loving you with his whole heart. And the reminder that despite your condition, you are not someone who is hard to love._
> 
> _And if you're hurting, love yourself with my heart. It's kinda dysfunctional though, but it'll love you deeply and wholly._
> 
> _Thank you for giving me wonderful memories that I could take with me. Thank you for giving me the forever I have been yearning for, even in numbered days._
> 
> _I love you, Yang Jeongin._
> 
> _Always will._
> 
> _ㅡ C.'_

Jeongin felt a sudden wave of grief wash over him after he finished reading the letter. His knees buckling in the most uncomfortable manner as if all the energy he previously had suddenly left his body. Prompting him to sit on the cushion for any kind of support he could take. Even without any idea why, he felt his heart clench in the most gut-wrenching way. _Too painful_ that he thought he could die. And before he knew it, he was sobbing; the previously dried tears now replaced with the fresh batch. It stings. His eyes are leaking like a broken faucet that neither a wrench nor o-rings could fix. His mind races with so many questions, sparking the formerly waning desire to remember into something akin to despair. The simple _want_ was replaced with the _need._

He needed answers _now_. But _how_?

"Lee Felix," Jeongin muttered. It's impossible that his friends wouldn't know about the existence of the person who wrote the letter. After all, Jeongin was not one to keep things from his friends, especially about this matter.

Riding high purely on adrenaline, Jeongin was out of his front door and dashing towards the familiar café blocks away from his apartment the next moment. Completely forgetting about the cold shower or the scrumptious meal he was planning to have for lunch. And if people thought he was some kind of unhinged stripling running like crazy with tears streaming down his cheeks, he couldn't care less.

Jeongin reached the destination in no time. Lungs burning uncomfortably and body covered in sweat and specks of dust he accumulated from all the cleaning and running. He frantically stepped inside the shop, eyes scanning for the certain freckled male whom he found seated in one of the booths with an unfamiliar bloke. Without second thoughts, Jeongin approached the table with heavy but hasty steps, paying no heed at the latter who was cautiously watching him the moment he stepped a foot inside the café.

Gasping for air, he heard his own voice croak out the following words in the most desperate and broken manner:

"Where is he?"

* * *

"Come on, I'm already on my deathbed and yet you're still scolding me?" Chan huffed in feign annoyance, arms crossing over his chest as he stared blankly at the female before him. The statement was meant to be lighthearted. It was Chan's futile attempt to comfort the person who has been with him through this whole fiasco. But the mentioned found no relief in any of it.

"Your health deteriorated over the past few days. If only you had listened to me before, the survival rate wouldn't be this low," Sana muttered rather harshly, but Chan saw the way her eyes wavered the moment the words rolled off her tongue. If anything, Sana found Chan's word agonizing. It's like watching her own brother slowly withering and slipping away from her fingertips, and she can't do anything to at least alleviate the pain he was in.

"I wasn't exactly planning to get the surgery done, you know," Chan muttered under his breath, lips curling into a smile that didn't reach his eyes before emitting an empty chuckle. "I do not have the reason to do it, just like before."

"Then why change your mind? You could have done it before so why now?"

_Why?_

Chan couldn't count the times he had asked the same question to himself. _Why?_ It was a simple matter that he couldn't seem to answer no matter how much he tried. If you'd ask him the same query months ago, the response would have been the same: because he simply does not want to live. Chan was all set to leave this world knowing that in the end, every single one is destined to die. It was every person's fate that no one can change. His condition only solidified his desire to depart from this world earlier than usual, and he doesn't want things to drag on because he was tired. _Too tired._ He already achieved his dream, carried out the things he wanted to do. He already sealed his name and left a legacy in this world. For him, those were more than enough.

But then there's Jeongin.

Jeongin was a factor in his life that came unexpectedly. He came out of the blue and Chan was struck dumb; he was shaken up from his little bubble of comfort. Jeongin was like the puzzle piece that Chan didn't know he desperately needed to change his views about life. He learned how to live, to cherish every second of his waking hours, to be grateful for the little things. Jeongin was like the sun that suddenly radiated its light and warmth into the elder's life after spending years in the dark.

And before Chan knew it, he was already falling. He didn't mean to, of course. He was already well aware of the bitter truth about his impending doom. He tried, hard. Apparently, his efforts to hold back wasn't enough. _It was a free fall._ At first, it was the sheer jocularity Jeongin exuded that attracted him; he simply enjoyed the company of the younger. The younger was unpredictable and it made Chan excited. But after a while, he began seeking the solace that only Jeongin could provide. True, it was challenging to be with the mentioned but he presented Chan something that has been lacking in the elder's life: _genuine happiness._

With Jeongin, he was able to approach life one day at a time; he began looking forward to what it has to offer. And for the first time in the years of existing in this world, he had hope for better tomorrows.

Above all, he found a reason to continue living.

So, _why change his mind now?_ Because it was his only hope to live longer. And living was his only way to remind Jeongin how much he loves him, every single day of his waking life.

ㅡ

"Why?"

Chan, who was currently busy scrolling through his phone, hurriedly looked up from the device; ears ringing in the most agonizing way at the sound of the voice he thought he would never get to hear again. His eyes widened at the sight of the person he least expected to see, especially when he's just hours away from what could be the last night of his life.

For days of staying in this bleached and monochromatic institution, his mind had wandered enough times about the thought of seeing the same person standing at his door. He assumed he was equipped enough with the made-up scenarios that he could face the mentioned without any problem. But now that Chan found the male standing a few meters away from him, his brain appeared to stop working; he can't seem to find the right words to say and the right scenario that would help him. _Always unexpected._

Chan took a while to respond from the latter's question, completely appalled at the unforeseen turn of events. "What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here."

"Why?"

"I'm dying, Jeongin," Chan muttered pointedly as he turned to look away from the younger's piercing gaze that seemed to be drilling holes into his skull. "I don't want you to see me like this."

Jeongin walked in with heavy yet hurried steps. His usually bright face sported an unreadable expression and Chan can't help but feel alarmed. This wasn't the Jeongin he knew. The Jeongin that was full of life, always smiling. The Jeongin he desperately wanted to keep in his memories.

The younger halted upon reaching the foot of Chan's hospital bed, lips pressing into a thin line as if he's contemplating on what he should say next. Jeongin stared the elder with abstruse eyes, not knowing where to begin. He needed answers, more than the bits Felix and Changbin managed to tell him on their way. But he too can't seem to find the right words to say, completely consumed by the pang in his heart that he deemed impossible to disregard.

"Why?"

"Days will pass, Jeongin. And before you know it, I'll be gone. Like how you've lost all the memories you've written in a snap." Chan emitted an airy laugh that sounded more like a sob. He is seething at the ugly truth he thought he had already accepted. "Poof. Nothing."

"I'm trying, Chan. Can't you see? I'm trying!" Even with the attempted hilarity, the younger couldn't find the humour that held some veracity. At this point, Jeongin was bawling his eyes out. The twinge inside his chest was now replaced with excruciating pain and Jeongin couldn't do anything but hit the spot with his curled fist, in hopes to ease the discomfort. But it was pointless.

"There's no use trying. You'll forget me, either way. That's how things are supposed to go. You'll move on without knowing I even existed, that I was once a part of your life."

"I know I can't remember what we had but..." Jeongin gasped in distress as he gently took the elder's hand with his trembling ones, placing the latter's palm over the area where his beating heart is located. "This. It hurts, Chan. Why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel like I'mㅡ"

"Do you even know what pain is?" Chan replied abrasively as he pulled his hand away from the younger's grasp, a surly glare decorating his features. "Fuck, Jeongin! You'll wake up every single day without any memory of me being in your life. You had things easy."

And if Jeongin thought his heart couldn't break more after learning the elder's situation, he was proven wrong. He saw that it was the pain speaking ruthlessly, that Chan didn't mean any harm. But the words left a sour taste in Jeongin's mouth, contaminating him wholly. He knew he couldn't argue to that fact, or he could but he doesn't know how. He was disarmed in the most gut-wrenching way, left with no choice but to succumb to the pain. It was the kind that left him feeling numb; everything seemed to stop, even his tears. Everything, except the sharp knife that was incessantly stabbing his chest.

"I don't want to die, Jeongin," Chan mumbled loud enough for the younger to hear. His voice sounded raw and vulnerable, so _so_ desperate. "I fucking want to be with you. But I know I can't, not like this."

 _He had long given up with his life, right?_ Chan had never felt so helpless in his life before, torn between choices he knew would both lead to his downfall, all it takes is a decision. It's _catch-22_ ; he knew he has to get the surgery for him to live longer but the survival rate is low. He already knew that either way, he'd end up dead. It's just a matter of _time._

All Chan wanted was more time, even just a bit. More time to be with the person who gave him the reason to keep going. But life wasn't meant to be easy and fair. One can't expect life to go their way just because they are a good person or that they worked hard enough. It doesn't work that way. Life has its own rules, it's complicated, and it's not the same for everyone.

Life was unfair because it brought us in this world without our consent, and it will take our last breath without our permission.

Jeongin scooted closer the elder, lanky arms enveloping the shaking form into the tightest embrace he could offer. Right then, the façade that Chan has been trying to keep crumbled swiftly as his tears leaked from his eyes, continuously streaming down his bony cheeks. Jeongin felt his heart shatter, soul withering away when he heard the elder's incoherent chanting of _'I'm sorry'_ in between his sobs. Albeit not getting the answers he needed, Jeongin knew it was the least of his worries now. Hell, he couldn't care less about those, especially when Chan was weeping in his arms.

Jeongin waited for the male to calm down before he ever so slightly pulled away from the embrace. "I know you would doubt this. But can you please believe me? Just this once?" Jeongin gathered all the remaining courage inside him before he gently cupped the elder's cheeks, letting the pad of his thumbs gingerly wiped the tears. _It's now or never._ "I love you, Chan. I really do. Please, please, believe me."

Chan couldn't find it in him to fight back despite negating the younger's words minutes ago. Maybe it was the desperation to feel every bit of Jeongin's affection; the desperation to hear the exact words that just left the latter's lips. After all, Chan has been waiting to hear the confirmation that Jeongin feels the same way. And now, he got it. Just not the way he imagined it to be. Nevertheless, it emanated the same sentiments and that is the only important thing for Chan. It was more than enough.

_One last time._

"I love you, Yang Jeongin. I love you so much, always remember that," Chan said, a small smile adorning his lips. He said the words, not because he wanted to but because he needed to, knowing all too well that if he didn't take this chance, he might lose it forever.

Chan shifted to pull the younger back to the embrace. Two pairs of lips meeting halfway into a searing kiss; both pouring out all the pent-up feelings they have been keeping in. It was hurried and desperate as if it was the last time they would share something intimate. And before they know it, Jeongin was straddling the elder's scrawny lap; fingers threading the soft locks and tugging it into directions that earned beguiling whimpers from the elder.

Minutes felt like hours when the two pulled away, both panting like they just did a hundred-mile endurance run. Their lungs burned, but it didn't entirely matter; not when they finally found solace they have been looking for in each other's arms. Once again, Chan felt like he was home. In the same room he used to loathe: where walls are painted in white and the beds reeked in disinfectants.

None of those things mattered. Only Chan spending his remaining hours in the arms of his one great love.

"Jeongin, will you wait for me?"


	7. outro.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. This is a fanfiction from the author's imagination. Any resemblance of the theme of the storyline is purely coincidental. No copyright infringement is intended.

"You'll be fine, bub. We still work at the same café so come around before 8, alright? Breakfast is on me."

"Thanks, Seungmin Hyung," Jeongin breathed out; the previous sobs were now replaced with snivellings as he finally calmed down from the eventful morning.

Jeongin, much like the previous days, woke up with confusion clouding his brain and hot tears rolling down his cheeks. He had read the notebook placed on his bedside table, the messy scribbles on the rough surface of the page provided him with the much-needed explanation but it didn't offer anything close to comfort that he desperately needed right now. It took him a while to absorb of every bit of information and even went as far as calling his friend, Kim Seungmin, to confirm that it wasn't one of the many pranks Hyunjin is pulling on him.

It didn't make sense at all but the tugging feeling inside his chest told him that everything is real. The notes were concrete evidence. After all, the information was written in penmanship that he recognized well: his own.

He decided to go on with his day. Oddly enough, he found his closet filled with articles of clothing he doesn't remember buying or owning. Even more so, they were all black and oversized hoodies, with a few shirts of the same colour. _Since when did I become a fan of black stuff when I remember naming red as my favourite colour?_ Jeongin thought, eyes searching through the hanging fabrics before fishing the first one his hand landed on. Convinced by the same conclusion that it must be one of his purchases in his amnesiac days, he found himself slipping into one of the pullovers he found. It was more than enough to keep him warm from the autumn breeze, he reckoned.

Thirty minutes later, Jeongin found himself standing in front of the familiar shop, Levanter Café. He saw Seungmin seated in one of the booths, having his daily piping hot cup of joe. Across him was Felix who is probably enjoying his hot chocolate and a slice of cake. Without further ado, Jeongin entered the café, wherein he was greeted with the bitter yet comforting aroma of the coffee wafting inside the room.

_Soothing but empty._

ㅡ

"Hello! Welcome to Levanter Café! What can I get you?" Jeongin greeted, the same enthusiastic smile plastered on his face as he waited for the response of the _fun-sized_ male clad in a black shirt standing before him.

"Are you really going to treat me like one of your new customers?" The mentioned emitted a quite dramatic huff, which earned a quiet giggle from the younger situated behind the counter. "Come on! I've been going here a lot, shouldn't I be treated as a regular customer?"

Jeongin, deciding to ride along with the act, quipped in a sickeningly sweet voice. "I'm sorry, sir. But I believe we haven't met before. The name's Yang Jeongin, by the way."

"Whatever," the elder rolled his eyes as he theatrically crossed his buff arms over his chest, a petulant pout now painted on his lips. "I came here for my boyfriend and this is what I'm getting?"

"I'm afraid your boyfriend is busy right now, sir," Jeongin let out a hearty giggle briefly before motioning towards the line of three people forming behind the mentioned, "Are you ordering though? Because you're kinda holding up the line."

"Come on, Jeongin. I expected more from you. Don't be like this!" The male whined and Jeongin can't help but watch in sheer amusement.

The younger was about to respond with one of his sassy remarks when suddenly, the kitchen door opened, revealing a grinning Felix. In his hand was a plate of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies which he placed on the glass stand situated next to the cashier. Glancing briefly at the two, he mumbled. "What's going on? Are you two bickering again?"

"Again?" "He was being mean!" The two chorused, earning a snort from the freckled male. He stared fondly at the two before shaking his head before he started punching a few buttons on the screen. "Alright, cut it. I'm getting you your usual. Not for free though."

The man grumbled. Nevertheless, he handed his card to pay for the drink. "Can I at least get a free cookie? I mean, my boyfriend works here so..."

"You wish."

"Mean."

ㅡ

"Here's your order without the cookie, mister," Jeongin carefully placed the tray in front of the male, a small smirk painted on his lips.

The elder did not miss the teasing tone exuding from the younger's words. "Can't believe my boyfriend is so mean."

"Business will go bankrupt if we give you everything for free. Besides, you are rich enough to afford a brand new car so a drink and a treat won't do any damage to your bank account," Jeongin sassed, the smirk slowly growing into a playful grin.

"You are so mean."

"Suck it up, Seo," Jeongin stuck out his tongue, emitting a dramatic snigger right after. "Gotta go back to work, Felix should be out in a bit for his break."

Changbin watched the younger's back slowly moved away from his spot, a soft sigh falling from his lips. It has been exactly 55 days since that woeful day when Chan underwent the surgery in hopes to live longer, which didn't exactly work the way he wanted it to be. He felt his heart clenched, aching for the lost love that was not even his. But then he was Chan's best friend, and seeing the younger live his days without the remembrance or even some sort of anecdotes about the person that he was in love with was nothing but torture for Changbin.

Chan was right about one thing, though. Jeongin was bound to forget, no matter what. Because that's just how his life is; a fact that no matter how hard he tried, he still wouldn't remember. He will wake up every single day with no recollection that someone named Bang Chan, a producer from the entertainment across the street, existed. Let alone, became his one great love and took a huge chunk of his heart.

Jeongin would wake up every single day without any memory of the frequent café visits, the tight and comforting hugs which ended to hours of cuddle sessions, the simple dates, the heart-to-heart talks, the tender kisses and make-out sessions.

To Jeongin, Chan was _nothing._

Unknowingly, Jeongin had to let go of the memories they created. Just like how Chan wanted things to turn out. Perhaps, it was the selfish desire to keep the younger smiling each and every single day of his waking life. Chan knew that keeping memories of him would only hinder the younger from moving forward and he doesn't want Jeongin to relieve the pain of losing someone, every day. He knew that it will do Jeongin no good if he continued holding on to nothing but memories.

For Chan, it was enough that Jeongin _loved_ him.

Chan managed to seal his legacy in the hearts of millions of people through his music. Almost everyone knew him and proffered tears of pitying rue when the unfortunate news about his surgery broke out. All but one person lamented; the same person who was supposed to remember Chan until the end of his life.

Changbin wanted to be mad as if that would clear out the frustrations building up inside his chest. He wanted to do something but he couldn't bring himself to. He wanted to tell Jeongin the truth, but how? When he doesn't even have any evidence that Chan was someone dear to the younger. The only remnants that Chan existed in their life is his and Jisung's presence. No photographs, no written memories.

And he couldn't bring himself to, not when Changbin's mind would constantly drift off to the particular memory from that night, before Chan was wheeled inside the operating room and was heavily sedated from the anaesthetics, when the elder made him promise that _'if things go south, please erase me from Jeongin's life'_. It was a stupid request, he reputed. Despite understanding where the elder was coming from. But it was Chan's last wish, and Changbin wasn't going to take that away from his hyung.

_It is indeed funny how everything could change overnight._

It has been exactly 55 days and Jeongin had zero recollection of the said male. Albeit that, he couldn't shake off the hollow feeling inside his chest; the void that nothing seemed to fill no matter how much he tried. He thought it was simply the need for more sweets or anything that used to comfort him. But little did he know, it was the pair of strong and cosy arms and the plump lips; the curly locks and the dimpled smile; the twinkling orbs, the honey voice and the broad chest, that has been exactly missing in his life.

From distant memory, Jeongin could make out the faintest recollection, but nothing sort of helpful to his dilemma. Still, he let his mind wander and his heart wallow into the deepest part of his being. It didn't make any difference, though. _Or so he thought._ Because out of nowhere, he heard the words rolled off his tongue as if it had belonged there, uttering them with much frailty that his voice sounded so soft, so so broken. At the same time, it ignited the ferocious throbbing inside his chest that was beyond comprehensible.

"Bang Chan?"

* * *

"Changbin Hyung, are you sure about this?"

"Jisung, you know this is the least we could do," Changbin responded with a sigh as he rubbed his palm over his face. He threw a glance at the latter sitting on the other side of the couch, who is currently mirroring the same stressed-out expression Changbin was currently sporting. "This belongs to him so we have to."

Changbin clutched the disk in his right hand while watching Jisung bit his lips in contemplation, legs bouncing anxiously. The latter knew that the former was right, though. But will Chan be happy about it? The two had found the object while rummaging through Chan's stuff, looking for the certain memory stick that contained the songs he made for the artists he was working with. At first, they thought it was a blank tape but upon closer inspection, they saw a messily scribbled name: Yang Jeongin.

"Alright, let's give it to Jeongin then."

The two was about to step out when suddenly, Jisung's phone blared inside the dark and quiet studio.

_Surprise?_

ㅡ

The clock ticked 10:11 PM and Jeongin can't bring himself to sleep. This has been going on for days now, but does he know? No. Of course, he wasn't aware of that. His mind has been keeping him awake for some reason he couldn't put his finger on, and it was bothering him to no end. As his last resort, he made his way towards the small kitchen in the right corner of his apartment, to grab a cup of water. But before he could successfully execute the single task in his mind, frantic knocks echoed inside the room, followed by voices that seemed way too familiar but not quite.

"Jeongin, open up. It's Changbin," the voice called out from the other side of the door, followed by the sound of a fist ever so gently hitting the wooden surface. "We need to talk to you, please?"

"Changbin?" Jeongin mumbled as he racked his brain for any particular memory of the male. The name rang a bell, he knew he saw it somewhere but he couldn't figure out. "What are they doing here this late though?"

As if the heavens are helping him, his eyes landed on the blue sticky notes pasted on his fridge. _'Seo Changbin, Felix's boyfriend. Tiny with piercing gaze. Producer.'_ Next to it was another note with _'Han Jisung. Changbin's friend. Tiny too and full cheeks. Squirrel. Loud. Producer.'_

Without wasting any second, Jeongin made his way to the door, revealing two dishevelled and panting male as if they ran all the way to Jeongin's flat. "What can I do for you? Is it about Felix? Whatㅡ"

"First off," Changbin cut the younger's words in between the soft pants leaving his lips before holding out a disk. "We need to give you this. Second, Felix needs you right now. Don't ask any question but please get changed." Changbin finished rather calmly before throwing a knowing glance to Jisung who's biting back the smile threatening to break on his face

The two watched the youngest clad in his matching Spongebob sleepwear scrambled around his apartment, completely ignoring the disk Changbin tried to hand him. Jeongin, not bothering to change his clothes, frantically grabbed the black hoodie sitting on the top rail of his study chair and slipped into it. Within minutes, the two was ushered out of Jeongin's apartment; the younger's phone, wallet and keys scrappily shoved inside the pocket of the hoodie.

"Spongebob looks cute, Jeonginnie," Jisung jested in hopes to lighten up the younger's tensed mood, earning him a seething glare from the mentioned.

"Shut up. Let's get going, Felix needs me," Jeongin pleaded with much conviction that something bad happened to his friend. And the two male can't help but feel guilty for a second, but then that was the least of their worries now.

Soon after, the three found themselves standing in front of another door in a place Jeongin never thought he'd find himself, and Jeongin nearly cried at the realization that something bad indeed happened to Felix. His mind raced with so many possibilities, thereby heightening the anxiety that was bubbling inside his chest. He nervously opened the sliding door; the tears that were welling up in his eyes completely blurring his sight. Still, he could make out the body hooked on different machines lying down on the bed and found himself walking closer without any hesitation.

_Huh? Since when did Felix colour his hair back to black? It was blonde when we left the café a while ago though._

Jeongin hastily wiped his tears as he paused at the foot of what was supposed to be Felix's bed, with Changbin and Jisung in tow. But the youngest found no Felix. Instead, he saw someone he barely recognized; with the person's dark orbs staring back at him in sheer astonishment. Weirdly enough, he found himself sobbing for reasons he couldn't figure out. What he supposed though was the relief suddenly washing over him. And before he knows it, he was walking closer and closer until he's right beside the male.

"Sorry, bud," Changbin mumbled as he lightly pats Jeongin's head. "Hyung just woke up an hour ago and we wanted to bring you here with us the moment he does. Felix is completely fine, though."

"W-what? You guys fooled me! Oh god." Jeongin looked around confusedly before turning his gaze to the male in the hospital bed. "Who? Who is he? Why do I need to be here?"

"You should probably ask him. We'll grab some coffee downstairs. See ya in a bit!" Jisung responded with a quiet giggle before pulling Changbin out of the room, doing so without much protest from the older.

Chan emitted a humorous chuckle the moment his two friends disappeared from the door before he wrapped his hand around the younger's tiny wrist and gave it a gentle tug, in an attempt to get the stunned male's attention. "Sit down."

Jeongin, ostensibly in dazed, followed the elder's words as he settled himself on the chair next to the bed. They let the comfortable silence envelop them, with Chan watching the way Jeongin fiddle with the hem of the hoodie Chan recognized all too well, the elder's eyes filled with much adoration. _It was one of the hoodies Jeongin stole from him._ Jeongin, albeit feeling nervous from the elder's gaze, couldn't find it in him to stop the mentioned. In fact, his face started heating up from the inspecting eyes, but nothing sort of uncomfortable. He loved it.

Chan was beyond relieved when it dawned upon him that he is irrefutably alive. It was the first time in years he found himself sincerely thanking the heavens for hearing out his appeals. It was as if the planets finally aligned and the universe was finally working in his favour when he was splashed with the consciousness he thought he would forever lose. Along with those thoughts flooding his brain was the memories of a certain male that he thought he would never see, never get to spend the time with, never get to remind how much he loves him.

"Can you get the notebook inside the second drawer next to you?" Chan mumbled softly, to which Jeongin answered with a nod before he proceeded to fish out the only content of the drawer. "I believe it belonged to you, Yang Jeongin."

Jeongin, still sporting the same bewildered look, scratched his head. "I don'tㅡ"

"Just read it first, even just a few pages," Chan cut off as another round of chuckle managed to escape his lips. "You haven't changed at all, love."

"L-love?" Jeongin mumbled as he wasted no time flipping the light blue notebook open. There, he was greeted with his own handwriting and a photo of him with the male. He was beyond perplexed. The notebook was his, true. His sign at the lower right of the page told him so. The elder lost a lot of weight, Jeongin reckoned, as he stole another glance from the male, double-taking if he is indeed the same person. Even then, Jeongin found the man undeniably gorgeous, the man whom he learned was named Bang Chan, a producer, Changbin and Jisung's friends.

_His lover._

Before Jeongin realized what's happening, he was full-on sobbing. The notebook that was previously in hand was now abandoned on the floor as he carefully rushed towards the elder's embrace. Despite the lack of concrete memories, Jeongin found himself melting into the arms where he supposed he truly belonged to. He was acting based on his urges, but he doesn't care, not at all. When he was welcomed in the warm and loving embosom, and Jeongin made it his mission to remain in the same pair of strong forelimbs for as long as he is breathing. After all, his mind might completely forget, but his heart ㅡ his heart only beats for one person, and Jeongin knows when it does.

Chan found refuge in the younger's arms. He finally found the safe haven he has always hopelessly yearned for. With his face pressed into the crook of Jeongin's neck, he couldn't help but let out the sob he has been trying to hold the moment his eyes landed on the male's confused face. It felt surreal, and Chan thought that it was too good to be true. He is alive and he is back in the arms of the person he was madly in love with.

Both knew that they have things to sort out; Jeongin has a lot of questions to ask and Chan has tons of unsaid words to speak, but they have plenty of tomorrows to figure things out. Those were the least of their worries now that, in the present, they are finally back into the embrace they thought they have lost forever.

Today, as the clock ticked 11:31 PM, both hearts beating as one knew better than to let go of the love that is keeping them alive. _Right here, right now._

_**One beat.** _

_Stop regretting about your yesterdays, you won't be able to change them._

_**Two beats.** _

_Spend your today as if it's the last._

_Live without any regrets._

__

_**Three beats.** _

__

_Stop worrying about the future._

__

_Surrender the things you can't control._

__

_To more tomorrows filled with love, with you._

__

**"I'm finally back home."**

__

__

__

__

**FIN.**

__

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking the time reading this fic! I hope you guys enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it.  
> Please don't forget to leave comments and suggestions <3


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